don't smoke. leave it to the attractive asian men.

Rollercoasters and laziness

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 00:20:29 GMT

I don't know why I can't bring myself to write an entry in my diary. The last time I wrote was nearly a month ago and I just can't bring myself to pick up a nice black pen and start again. Part of it is laziness... but I think the other part is that my thoughts change so much I don't bother writing them down because I know i'll be different in a month from now. From Nov - Jan everything was really consistent and I was really wallowing in my misery, which is probably why I wrote - to find an outlet for my shit. But now things are okay and I feel like I can deal with life a little better. Now it just feels like I've betrayed my diary, and my past self from ditching it. Or maybe overcoming it.

I guess I have trouble letting things go, things I've put so much energy and passion into. I know it's a good thing, to let go of my angstyself but at the same time it was a part of me.

So succumbing to my laziness, I think I'll just have this liverjournal for myself. When I get the time, or when the time hits me over the head, I'll start writing again. For now, everyday is a rollercoaster, and I try to end it happier.

It's strange how fast I can change, how fast people can change. Just a month ago I would trudge through the weekdays in hope for my solitary weekends away from school and now it's exactly the opposite, unable to find anything to do with myself at home. I crave companionship, perhaps the shaky feeling of my past insecurities. Nonetheless, I am much better from a month ago.

Life is hard to find the consistency that other, normal people take for granted. I read somewhere about the necessary melancholism that is inherent in most writers and artists, but maybe that’s just trying to justify my adolescent angst. A lot of people don’t really ever go through angst in high school.. I mean the better half of “the group” has been pretty fuckin happy for most of their life.

It’s hard sometimes, when you’ve got nothing planned on an empty day. You wonder what to do with yourself, if you’re steady enough to be alone and okay with it. Is life always going to be like that? Trying to fill up your days to keep yourself from the loneliness that eats at you? That’s so depressing.

Not writing is also because my feelings change so rapidly. I’ve got a new rule for myself to keep my uncontrollable temper and anger at bay. I tell myself never to say what I feel, no matter how negative and unfair I feel at that moment. If that feeling of hate is still there the next day, then it’s an issue that really matters. If it isn’t, then it wasn’t worth the rage in the first place. I figure that’s how I can stop being so petty. It’s pretty hard though, I mean there’s at least one thing a day I get pissed off about. I just keep it inside and realize it’s gone pretty fast.

Maybe a few weeks ago I would have indulged in that hate, fascinated by the raw energy and passion in it and written furiously. What if that was what prolonged those negative feelings? Was my diary thereaputic or was it what fueled my thoughts?

In any case, my new rule has been working. I don’t know what to say. Today’s a beautiful day, and even if I fight tomorrow with my family or my friends it’ll be gone the next. Emotional rollercoasters are horrible, but for every low there’s a high. For now I’m just trying to find a moderate middle ground between the lows and highs. Like everyone else in the world.

The story of my life cue emo music

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 00:24:14 GMT

While sitting here unable to talk, I was thinking about the past 4 months or so and my retarded rollercoaster of senior year. It's been okay for the past few weeks but I think I'm still uncomfortable talking about it in person. Maybe in a few weeks I can finally formally talk about it face to face. Because I don't have the balls to right now ^.^

Anyway I realized what I was doing is really, really stupid. The whole "testing the level of your friendship to megan". I know I shouldn't have done it, but I take rejection to little things really personal and stupid as it is, yeah I am really sensitive. So basically after Relay for Life I was like zomg yay everyone's so happy together. But I think the way I expect everyone to be friends as intense as it was in RLF, I expected everyone to ALWAYS be like that with each other. I was clingy, to put it short, and offended when nobody really saw me at the level I saw them.

The dynamics of the group are very centered around a few people, and me not being one of them was a blow to the ego, I think. And I wasn't willing to be just a filler, a "fun person" to have around, but not necessary for the group to function. People want to be needed. People want to be included without asking to be included. As this ugly seed of doubt formed in me, it grew and grew and grew until it completely consumed me. I was waiting for someone to take notice and forcefully include me. After weeks of that not happening I was irrational with bitterness and thought that staying with this group was a complete waste of my 4 years. I thought of all the things I had done for each and everyone of them, birthdays, rides, money, etc. And not one of them really gave a shit that I wasn't there.

When forming a circle, the person who comes in after usually finds a way to enter. I found myself extremely unwilling to stand outside of the circle, looking in. I hate that, and I hate being pathetic and I hated the whole situation. So I avoided. I couldn't really look at anyone in the eye. I confessed everyday, I whined everyday to Aaron. But every time I did, I thought about how I was so poisonous, spreading it to a completely innocent friend, probably what I considered at that time my true blue best friend. I already spent last semester junior year "tainting" him with all my smack talk about shahriyar and how I forced him to do things with me and I just, I just feel so guilty bringing him into my web of bitterness and hate. I guess that's why right now I don't want to talk to him as much as I did before, because I owe it to him to be happy about life, not while on AIM me ranting about how much I dislike certain things. And another part of me is ashamed I was so insufferably bitchy and petty. Since he's passive he never said anything against me, just sympathized with me endlessly. That's one thing these past two years I am so fucking sorry for. He didn't deserve all that, and he stuck through it and I'm very happy to have him as a friend.

So all this was really petty. I don't even remember all the shitty things I did, making snarky comments, being an ass, making excuses.. I wanted to find a different group that I could just chill with and not expect anything out of, but nobody really fit the level of weirdness I had. And truth me told, myself in high school is not a very attractive person to be with. My reputation as an awkward, nerdy, and snarky bitch is obviously marked around everyone. Plus I always just expected too much out of everyone. And there are times I wished I wasn't so unapproachable the past few years so people would actually talk to me. So I hit friendship bottom. Having no friends that I wanted to really talk to, I drifted in and out of days in a daze (hehe read that out loud) listeneing to the Hours soundtrack over and over and over and going through self righteous self pity (sondre). I won't lie tho, I got so much homework and reading done.. god thats so IB. Let's just say a TON of self analysis went in those 3 months. Winter was not friendly to me. Luckily Taiwan came and I felt an enormous burden lift off me when it just got to be me and my family.

When I came back, though, it was still the same. I was a little bit skinnier so I could fit into smexy clothes and I started spending way too much time trying to look nice every day. I guess it was because I was trying to make up for my lack of social skills by looking nice. Yeah, how annoyingly stupid. It was all still the same, though. I was quiet, detached, still stewing all the past grudges the past two months or so. And part of me really hated myself for being this fucking prideful because I was like "damn it, this is my fuckin SENIOR YEAR" I should be happy and chillin, but instead I was trying to make a stand for how wrongly I was wronged. Betrayed, I felt was the word that echoed and rattled inside me. Between these two choices; burning all their bridges, or compromising my dignity (I felt, at the time) and pretending to me stupid and carefree and just be a complement to the "fun people" of the group, I chose to burn the bridges and leave it at that. In retrospect, I realized how stupid I was for simplifying and categorizing everything into two distinct choices, but at the time.. I was just angry.

Family life really didn't help my cause either. It's been a good 10 years and nothing has changed, really. Last year when I felt like I was actually part of her life, helping her both mentally and physically I felt really great about it. But it did feel like I was still taking care of a child, and I still felt like it was an unncessary burden. During beginning of senior year I really hated her tagging along too. I was even more ambivalent, I think, because this was MY senior year and I wanted it to be normal and happy. I was like, I DESERVE to be selfish. So I shunted her aside and justified it by saying that I was going to leave soon anyway, might as well get used to it. She found some other friends, but I think she keeps changing groups because she's so hard to get along with. My bitterness with the friends at school and the constant ache of seeing friends awkwardly avoid her via messages on facebook just made me feel like shit.. My father's situation with his parents and my mom's complete apathy made me worry too. Since my mother and my sister didn't seem to give a rat's ass about my father and how selfish they both were, I did all the worrying for them.

At the end of January when I told eva, finally, how I felt, it still didn't seem to stick. Yeah I told her what I felt, but it ended up being a rant about how much I hated shahriyar. Which isn't really true at all.. I think I was just jealous of how much power he had over everyone. Everyone is in love with shahriyar and I just felt like he could get away with anything he wanted to. That wasn't even a major point, it was just somehting left over from the nasty breakup a year and a half ago. But anyway Shahriyar is kind of one of the main peoples of the group, so I felt just compromised every time I had to be in it with him. He basically either dominated it or was quiet the entire time. A lot of the time I didn't think he was funny, so I felt even more stupid pretending he was funny and having to laugh along, or else he'd take it the wrong way, and we'd be blatantly mean to each other again. But anyway, me telling eva about everything, accusing her of betrayal and abandonment, her responses didn't satisfy me. Yes, she apologized her head off, but I wasn't even really wanting that. I wanted to know why she never asked me about it and why she waited so long. It proved to me that she didn't care enough to bother, that she was popular enough with everyone else to spare a "fun person". Part of the reason I don't like the group is their overwhelming passivity, and how nobody is really "deep" enough to ask anyone of anything important. I wanted her to accuse me right back of the stupid things I've done. Nobody ever criticizes me. I think it's fear.. (haha Aaron), but that's what I really wanted. That someone would just fucking CRITICIZE me, because I deserved it and not the basic "whatever, it's just MEgan PMSing again". Nobody ever fights me back, and that kinda pissed me off because apologizing endlessly is kind of like saying "okay, okay" in a condescending tone that makes me sound like a crazy person. Telling me what's wrong with me just proves a)you have balls and b) you're comfortable enough with me to point out my faults. When eva said she doesn't like hating people, I guess I was owned at that point. That people exist like her, who don't hold stupid grudges and look at the good things in everything.

So things weren't just settled with that one conversation. I still avoided, I was still uncomfortable having to hang out with them and did so as little as possible. Yeah anyway, when Aaron and Eva officially decided to go out, it just added on to all the crap I was still feeling. First, as stupid as this sounds and petty blahblahblah, it stripped me of the one friend I could really, really talk to. I had Fan, but he was miles away and he was getting tired of my bullshit. But it was like, Aaron was my one and only best friend at the moment, and he was taken away with Eva. I was happy for him, but the overwhelming thought for me was "I am now totally and utterly alone". I could not accept it, and i'll admit, still have a hard time seeing them together. I couldn't hang out with them and see them so comfortable together because the only true friend I had during my identity crisis months would be intimately involved with someone else. I put it this way to Aaron: Imagine if I was a boy, and you were my best friend still from childhood, and you go off and get a girlfriend. I'm left with no best friends, and I'd have to go through the pain of having to call you and realize you're already busy with a date with the girlfriend. There's no way I will go through that. So I avoided that as much as possible too. When I told him this, he told me something that made me feel finally satisfied. He told me that, I had nobody solid to ever rely on as a friend cuz my family was shit; Eva had her siblings, he had his brother. But I was alone. Finally, someone who told me the truth. That was the beginning, I think, of me saying "Okay Time to get my shit together, time to face the world and stop being a loser".

It took a few weeks I think, there were days I felt really mean and grumpy and cynical and I escaped somehow. The days after I told eva and aaron how I felt, they captured me several times, which I felt was really nice and moved me a lot. Because it just proved that they did care enough, even through all the shit I gave them, to come and get me. Thanks for that, guys. Though some part of me felt like it was half pity, it was still progress to be made to making amends. Everything went by babysteps.

My friendship with Shahriyar was on and off on and off. After our breakup a year ago, I felt like I had just slapped a bandaid on the wound and moved to a different group, thereby avoiding the entire awkward situation of still being part of the group. He went through the painful reintegration into the group, painful, slow, but still the ultimate healing. Then he got Katia. And I felt like then my bandaid was ripped off. The wound was wide open and gaping still, and I was forced to be part of the group, accept his relationship status, be okay with him, and try not to feel like I was giving all my dignity away. It wasn't so much that he had a relationship, I just think that while everyone was finding their mate and how it would've been really awesome if I wasn't so fragmented, I was most defntely insecure. I mean, who ISN'T insecure at some point? Me and Martin were the only single people in that group, and everyone would be finding excuses to be alone soon. Nobody would have time to care about me, everyone would be busy having fun in their first few months of being a couple. I tried to be happy for them, but it was so hard because everyone had their signficant other and they were so fucking happy while I was still trying to stitch up my wounds.

Finally, I was just insecure about myself. Without a group of friends, who was I? Was I to be awkward, cynical, and stuttering the rest of my life? I think the insecurity came from me so desparetly wanting that one friend I could always count on, call on the phone at any time of the day, and how I never had that. After the first spring break, when I was applying for jobs, I felt a lot more confident about myself. I think it was because of the interviews I had to go through, where I had to be confident, positive, and upbeat. It was interesting because I found I could pull it off; Jamba Juice and Starbucks really liked me so I was like, hmm. Also I started swing dancing and guitar lessons, and both those require a level of confidence. Guitar, because I had to decide what I wanted to learn, and swing dancing.. because, duh. That was when I started wearing glasses too, and I dunno, it felt like I could just be a lot better person to get along with. I talked louder. Usually when I ask someone something I have to repeat it, because I speak so quietly. I became less impulsive, less quick to make a snarky and negative comment. Less clingy, I think. Detached, but in a good way. But mainly, the confidence. I think also with the glasses, I stopped spending so much time concerning my looks and dressed more casual and less booby. And looking like shit is truly, truly liberating.

So along with this, Shahriyar and I made amends a few days? a week? ago we finally talked about stuff. HE told me about his break with Katia, and he was like we should be okay with each other. And I think we are. LIke I'm not even lying this time. BEcause we'v e had numerous talks about being "okay" with each other, but we still disliked each other deep down. He was the last piece to me finally being okay with everyone.

There are still bits and pieces of my old self that come through, but they're manageable and I don't say the mean stuff that comes to my mind anymore. And they're gradually dwindling away. Sometimes I slip up, but not as often anymore. It's still hard to accept that everyone's all lovey dovey and there's less time for me, but hey, that's at least a normal, uncomplicated problem. And it works. It's fine, and I think I can finally say I'm happy for everyone who's in a relationship.

Lastly, lastly, lastly... I need to rebuild my friendship with Aaron. I want to back off, and then start new. I don't want it to be like it was in the past. I felt so toxic, so unbelievably selfish with him. He's his own person now, and i need to rebuild one where there are two individuals, not with one sucking all the second one's energy out.

So, that's it, I guess. I regret spending most of my senior year bitter and angry, but I guess it was just a big identity crisis and how I will always be too fucked up to enjoy the pleasures of life. But I think I'm pretty much done with all that EMO CRAP. Right now, I just need time before I can talk about it like the past. It's too close for comfort right now to talk about it but by writing all this out, I think I am finally done with all this petty shit. I just wish I had gone through this crisis in less time, so I could've enjoyed senior year more.

Big apologies to all those involved, I'm out. Before I become Stefanie Chow. XD

Taking a Break

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 07:45:01 GMT

This break is almost over, what the hecks:
-Hung out with Thuan-oi
-watched some of Lost Season 3
-watched some of S(e)x feet under
-did 2 weeks of backed up laundry
-cleaned the kitchen
-cleaned my room
-cleaned the GARAGE
-rock climbed
-hiked in the moonlight
-tutored my ass off
-spent a lot of money
-discovered Charlotte Russe
-started History of Love
-started guitar.

still to come
-more cleaning
-heart of darkness
-quizbowl?!
-biking to the river with doggie
- bio =(

wish I had
-backpacked
-camped
-snowboarded
but a week is short.

It's a breakthrough. Finally doing the things I've always wanted to do. Trying to repair bridges, but some parts will always be missing. I guess I'll be one of those really cliche people who need to go on crazy backpacking trips to "find themselves". I finally started the process myself. Sucks being asian and female for "finding yourself" but being 18 helps.

My plan is to clean out the entire house before I go off to college. My dad deserves at least that, and so much more. I am blogging so I can stave off the guilt of not writing in my journal for the past week. =.=

Dry

Sat, 26 May 2007 06:59:44 GMT

Eh: http://dimsummelon.vox.com/

i'll just have that be my book place. No point in making two right?

Dry
by Augusten Burroughs

    This memoir, and yes it is a memoir, meaning, and I can not emphasize this enough, that this really happened to a real person, is shocking, captivating, and addicting (literally). It's about poor Augusten Burroughs, an advertisement genius with a shitty childhood that gives him a weird complex of only liking those also with "damaged goods". Since I haven't read his other, more famous memoir "Running with Scissors", every memory of his past was a shock to me. I kept having to remind myself that this was a memoir, not just a story about some fictional, made up guy. Why? Because the things he does and the things he experiences are so drastic and dangerous to me that it all seems impossible that he's still alive and writing about it. Ultimately, this guy was writing to me, to everyone, about his attempt to sober up and confront his demons head on.
    The story sounds almost formulaic; the man's coworkers force him to rehab, he realizes his problems, and he comes out sober and enlightened. But this isn't fiction. This is real life, and we're all familiar that in real life, there isn't such a "magic cure".   Burroughs himself tricks us readers into thinking he's a normal alcoholic - and by normal, we think that he drinks too much. And to most of us, we think "drinking too much" is like 5-6 cups a day. Not in Burrough's case. It is impossible not to be shocked of his drinking problem (plus the other childhood horrors and drug abuse). When he first admits it reluctantly in rehab, almost a third of the way in the book, we realize just how fucked up his situation is. Not only does he drink an abdominal amount (you may read for yourself); he has to take allergy pills to counteract his body's natural defense against the excessive amount of alcohol. Gradually, he becomes accustomed to rehab and finds friendship and a culture in those alcoholics who want to sober up. Behind every alcoholic, we realize, is the problem he/she is trying to run away from. For Burroughs, it is his friend Pighead who he had previous romantic feelings for, but alas it was "too little too late" for Pighead to return the favor. Further complicating their relationship is Pighead's HIV positive status and Burrough's constant intoxication as well as his demanding job. These factors all combine into something Burroughs can't really deal with, and thus, the drinking is used to mask this.
    Rehab is only the beginning. Afterwards, there are AA meetings, seemingly silly pledges of "no major life changes for a year after sobering" and the pleasant, relieving brainwashing effects. Interesting alcohol philosophies are introduced to us (for those who haven't really had this addiction problem before) and we gradually become more and more attached to Burroughs. We beg him not to do relapse. We beg his friends not to relapse. We wonder why he hasn't done what he has to do. He meets Foster (a really stunningly hot movie star Guy), and breaks the cardinal rule of "no major life changes" and not to mention self imposed "no sex". Just as Burroughs tries to deal with all his Pighead and Foster feelings on top of his keeping sober promise, shit hits the fan. In many, many ways.
    Mixed with funny and witty characters such as Hayden, the brit who likes bad coffee, Pighead, who calls Burroughs "Fuckhead", Jim, the drinking partner, and Greer, his bitchy but hilarious coworker, make the story so captivating that we forget it's actually a real story. You will feel sorry, angry, sympathetic for this guy. Most of all, though, you'll root for him to have his real-life equivalent of a happy ending.

Book Reviews, in the making:

Sat, 19 May 2007 04:27:21 GMT

on the pathway to 50 books (not all reviews will be this detailed...or will they?)
Burninating through teenage books:

Catalyst by Laurie Halse Anderson
2/5

Memorable Quotes:

"I take comfort in the blurriness"

Short Review:
    The back of the book captured me despite the gaping reader- conscious telling me that this book will probably (75%) disappoint. Too bad, the beginning actually started out promising. Meet Kate Marlone, the perfectionist, the machine, the girl who cranks out good grades, volunteer hours, the usual high gpa high school blah-blahs. She's the main character, and, as every classic teenager main character is, caught between two desires. She fits in with school outwardly, but feels all gooey and sad inside. Kate deals with this by talking to herself; Good Kate tells her to go to sleep, Bad Kate feeds her demons. Neither of the Two Kates get developed much, it's just a lot of stream of conciousness stress-stress-stress and lots of avoidance of her two underdeveloped artist friend. So, what's her big problem? She only applied to one school - MIT, and doesn't have any safety schools to back her up. She spends half the story being nervous about her acceptance letter that has yet to come - and then devastated when Teri, the Big Bad Girl from their school has to stay with them. She has the Perfect Boyfriend that got into Harvard, and two artistic individuals that don't really get developed throughout the story (I already forgot their names). She starts to only care about Teri and Teri's little brother, something more genuine than the conspicuous amassing of good grades for good college. To Anderson's credit, however, I did like Kate's relationship with her ailing brother Toby, an interesting and quirky thread of color that seemed to stand out of the book. ("He masturbates so much I'm afraid his equipment will just fall off")
    The idea started out interesting, but it soon fizzled out after oh-no Kate did not get into MIT along with a huge spoiler I won't disclose. It was an aspect I could really relate to, especially in the beginning. But the characters got worse, and after that event, the last 50 or so pages were fluff and cliche, boring stuff. I know, I'm a bit too old to be reading these coming-of-age books, "now i feel real and not fake" ending- books, but it could have been a lot better. Speak, for example, was an exemplary work.
---

Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen
4/5
Memorable Quotes:
"Why do you think Mom is upset?"
"Because she's a female?"

"And in a flash I knew - I was through with Bryce Loski. He could keep his brilliant blue eyes. He could keep his two faced smile and...and my kiss."

"To be held above the earth and brushed by the wind," she said, "it's like your heart has been kissed by beauty"

Short Review:
Usually, reading about 8th graders is kind of a drag. I always tend to like to read about people slightly older than me; reading about younger people is annoying as they blah-blah about their immature insecurities and their cookie cutter revelation that (gasp) Beauty Is Only Skin Deep. But oh, what a blazing contradiction this book brings! Flipped simultaneously tells the story from the girl and the boy's perspective, alternating between the two as they tell the event through their own perspective (Hmm, sounds like Mark Danielewki's Only Revolutions).     The plot is simple enough; girl likes guy, guy is Annoyed. However, the girl is more than just a fangirl, she's real, genuine, tree-hugger, intellectual, etc. etc. The Boy just wants to conform and be invisible among the student body. However, of course, expectedly, he doesn't completely inherit his father's ignorance and jackassery, and even begins to develop his own personal thoughts. It's nice to see the integration of family and the Girl at the same time. The Girl herself is a lovable character - you know the kind you just fall in love with because she's just so super-cool and awesome, and raises baby chicks as pets, climbs trees, the kind you want to be friends with in real life. She has her own demons to fight as well with her family's past. It's pretty awesome how the girl and the guy eventually "flip" (!!) roles by the middle of the story - The Guy becomes The Infatuated and The Girl becomes The Not-Interested. And to anyone who's read it, the idea of Basket Boys was so ridiculous I laughed. But I guess it was funny enough to forgive for its impossibility.
    Flipped, a fast, fun, easy read stole my heart (in 2 hours) and left me with delicious pieces that will certainly stick for awhile. A good teenager book is hard to find - and this quirky, unique one takes the cake.

--

Generation X

By Douglas Coupland

"We live small lives on the periphery; we are marginalized and there's a great deal in which we choose not to participate. Our systems had stopped working, jammed with the odor of copy machines, Wite-Out, the smell of bond paper, and the endless stress of pointless jobs done grudgingly to little applause.We had compulsions that made us confuse shopping with creativity, to take downers and assume that merely renting a video on a Saturday night was enough. But now that we live here in the desert, things are much, much better."

Generation X encompasses all those people that were born between 1960 and 1965 and feel no connection to those social icons of the baby boomer generation (kind of like a continuation of the Beat Generation). Each character; Andrew (the narrator), Dag, and Claire have left their 'yuppie' family for various reasons that are revealed later. They all live in Palm Springs, California, living the low life supported by McJobs[2], and had escaped their suffocating lives through their own will. They pass time by telling each other quaint stories about aliens, astronauts, the end of the world, describing their last day of earth, describing their best memory of earth. All these stories, as Andrew says at the end "Oh get real, the story's about me.."

In their relationships with each other, the narrator says (I love this line), “Claire and I did not fall in love. That would have been too easy”. There is no actual plot to the book; it aims to flesh out the definition of ‘generation x’ and perhaps let the characters gain some notion of enlightenment by the end.

Generation X is Fight Club, Fight Club is Generation X. These two are so intertwined, it hurts. Fight Club has angst Jack, who, like Andrew, is tired of the materialism and inhumanity of their society and strives for conspicuous minimalism[3]. Obviously, Fight Club is a much more violent manifestation of the idea of ‘hitting rock bottom’; Jack creates a club just for fighting, and it eventually leads to vandalism and destruction. Generation X is much more mild in this aspect, just a story of three twentysomethings in the middle of a desert scoffing at those who still buy into what they perceive as a superficial culture. The most harm they do is tell freaky, quaint stories to each other and some mild vandalism of stupid cars with stupid bumper stickers.

The footnotes on the bottom are definitions I added to allude to the book. The book itself is pretty fun to read, they include definitions applicable to Generation X at the bottom, and even have some snarky comics and signs that tell us "It's okay mom, if the marriage doesn't work out, we can just get divorced.." and also awesome chapter titles such as "Don't eat your parents" , "Quit your Job", "Dead at 30, buried at 70", and so on.

For all those Fight Club Fans, it's a must read. And even if you aren't, it's still worthy!
------

[1] Taking a job well beneath one’s skill or education level as a means of retreat from adult responsibilities and/or avoiding possible failure in one’s true occupation.

[2] low pay, low prestige low benefits, low future

[3] A life style tactic that is the nonownership of material goods flaunted as a token of moral and intellectual superiority.

goals/fragments too lazy for xanga.

Wed, 09 May 2007 05:31:57 GMT

thinspiration- pros; long hair and bangs + fashion, cons; prone to addictiveness to aneroxia. Plus i like food.

book jobs - no time with sister whatsoever due to trip to finland + volunteer + EE + stuff.

can't wait til college. getting kinda tired of the HS scene, but that's cuz im an old hag. And stuff.

A list of (essential) qualities in boys:
- reads, reads, reads.
- watches 'smart movies'
- watches cheesy movies for fun
- has indie cred, but isn't a whore about it.
- will tolerate all kinds of music, and be open to it. Won't be a snob about songs that are mainstream.
- has nice friends
- isnt awkward with adults or various kinds of people
- physical attributes = taller and fatter than me :D
- can't be rich. or if rich must have cool parents.
- picky: Chinese.
- pickier: Ming Luke, LOL jk :D

this guy doesn't exist does he? But mrs. lord was right. Gotta make a list. Love does not triumph over all.

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Thu, 27 Jul 2006 08:03:44 GMT

Summer:

a time for all morning webcomic reading

Fri, 14 Jan 2005 03:48:01 GMT